Friday, February 10, 2006
Mummy is back from overseas. Maybe the clouds will clear. Maybe there will be more acceptance around me at home. Rejected in school and at home. What can be worse in my life? hAha... ya.. a lot.. there is still a lot.
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Today is a better day. Well, at least i am thinking straighter. 2 days ago, Suicide level is 9/10. hAha... today is 6/10. but there is a slight increase to 7/10 and decrease to 6/10 now and then. hAha... sick people like me will think this way.
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Walking alone to Mambo is fun. No one is looking your face. You can think about many things and made yourself feel more terrible than ever. When you are alone, you are free to do anything. Scream a little bit... cry... kick the ground. Think about all the bads that are around you.
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I thought of being rejected in life. People just me irritated and i cannot control my temper. People just don't remember the things i said before. So i got angry all over again about the same things. But things just get worse. Even more people hate me.
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They are just creating more clouds above my head. I really wonder... from Primary school clouds gather... cleared in Secondary because it was a new life there. However, clouds gathered and a storm began. I guess it cleared in Poly because it was another new life without people i know again. Poly it came again. When will this ever end. When i end my life?
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Finally i reached Mambo. I really suggest that they shouldn't leave me alone like this. I might just jump to the heavy traffic and die if i get uncontrollable. Be careful. hAhha...
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Since i cannot find a counseller to talk to me and get me through this stupid mood, i did it myself. I wrote in chinese characters about things i want to know, wrote about love and hate. Then i realise that my last sentence which is supposed to be.. "I wish to die" became...
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"When will the day that i can't feel anything comes? I wish that that day will never come. Because i want to live for the people i love and the people who love me. [*thoughts**Though is a few like less than fingers and toes i have*] Not to die for the people who hates me. [*Though there is a lot of them who wishes me dead*]" I know this... i seen before. Because this is not the first time i thought this way. Maybe.. this is my... routine. =/
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+__ Confused in this world __+
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Today, went to see BAStar. So CoOl. haha... they sing quite nice. Erm... some just sing at the wrong point of time. hAha.. Then there is this guy who is so cute and quite handsome.. Carter. hEhe... Shawn Lee looks handsome and cOol. I think he will be very good looking when he grow up a little more as in in his build you know.
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+__ Hopes for a better tomorrow __+